Articles – Page 2 – Intimate Match Making

REJECTION COULD MEANS GOD’S PROTECTION

Leave a Comment / Articles / By intimatesolution

Feeling rejected? We’ve all been there. Some of us more than others but the great thing about rejection is that there are endless possibilities that you can venture to.

Don’t allow rejection to take over your life without a fight.

The reality of life is that rejection will form a part of it. There will be occasions when your job application, your relationship, or your ideas will be rejected by someone, somewhere.

When you’re hurting, it can can be difficult to see rejection as a part of life and to acknowledge that what really matters is finding a way to bounce back and try again.

Here are five comebacks for rejection that you can use in just about any situation:

“Life Goes On.”

Whether it’s a bad break-up or a job you didn’t land, always remember that life goes on. There will be another relationship, another job, and whatever else you were rejected. Most successful people are successful because they didn’t allow rejection to halt their dreams.

“You deserve better”

While love rejection can be difficult to handle, always remember that your destiny is never tied to someone who walks away from you. Bless those who walk away from you. They are making room for the one who won’t.

A broken heart can always be mended, it just takes time. Remember that.

“God Knows Best”

Even when things don’t happen the way you expect them to, don’t be afraid of taking chances and getting rejected. The bottom line is this…”When God intends it, nothing will prevent it”.

So with that being said, either it was never meant to be or it just wasn’t the right time.

“You Live and Learn.”

When we feel rejected, we trap ourselves in a moment of doubt and distress. But we must learn to see past the fleeting period of pain and acknowledge that there is a higher purpose to not getting what (or whom) we want. That higher purpose is usually revealed in time.
“Sometimes Rejection is God’s Protection”

From this day forward, if you experience rejection, the first question to ask before spiraling down into the dark abyss of confusion, self criticism, and suffering is: How is this rejection protecting me?

God sees what we can’t see and Sometimes Rejection is God’s Protection!

#ThePrayingWoman

THE URGENT NEED FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING/THERAPY IN NIGERIA

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THE URGENT NEED FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING/THERAPY IN NIGERIA

I recently counseled a young couple, they were separated and decided to come for counseling after the guy attempted suicide. The wife left with their two kids and the man became lonely and miserable. It took the intervention of neighbors and friends to rescue him, this is not moonlight story but reality. I’m sure the typical African man reading this will say, “ Is he alright ‘women don finish for town’…”

We live in a society where we have left the cultures and traditions that shaped us in the quest of trying to be western. I personally don’t think its a bad idea to move along with the current pace at which the rest of the world is moving, because we could be left behind if we don’t brace up ourselves. My issue is the fact that, we seem to be in a trance, we are neither here nor there, we seem to have outgrown African cultures but underdeveloped for the western ways, we want to behave like the West but put no measure in place for checks and balances.

The men want to be the usual African husband that must be cooked and catered for and wants the wife to, at the same time, contribute to the upkeep of the house. He wants the wife to be a freak in the bedroom only to satisfy his needs, she doesn’t deserve to enjoy sex because sex is for making babies, he wants blow job, but said its un-African to get down on his woman. He wants to go clubbing and hang out with the boys hoping to meet a faithful and submissive wife at home, who is always at his beck and calls, how do you match all these together in a world that is already a global village, a world where every woman is more conscious of her needs and how to satisfy them.

Our level of pretense and hypocrisy is appalling, everyone come to social media trying to put up the best appearances while living in bondage. We go to church and raise holy hands, and we are very quick at judging and condemning others, while committing worst atrocities in the closest. People will rather pretend to please spiritual leaders and die in silence, instead of coming out to be helped, of course, coming out could mean being termed a demon or could earn the sinner a suspension. We want things to be done the old school way, just like our great grand parents, but want to align with the internet age as well, who does that for crying out loud.

Most of the problems weighing people down are relationship related, and whether you agree with me or not, things have changed from the way it used to be. It is high time we use the right approach, the time to cultivate the habit of talking to professional counselors is now! Can you imagine the state of mind of a society where children grow up without child counselors? In the olden days, the whole village usually teemed up to train a child, but the situation is different now, we lock up our kids in our apartment without making alternative provision for professional child counselors.

The same scenario is playing out with the teenagers, how many teen counselors do you know in Nigeria? What about relationship matters? I run a pre-marriage counseling service in my company, Intimate Solution network, in that department, we hardly have up to 3 clients in 6 months, meanwhile people get married on a weekly basis spending millions of naira on paparazzi and show off, they will rather have ‘a talk of the town’ wedding than prepare for the marriage itself. ‘Maybe they don’t know about us’ you said….. Don’t forget Singles will google the latest Asoebi, hairstyles, shoes and all for a society wedding, but will never take a moment to google professional pre-marriage counseling in Nigeria.

What about marriage? The worst hit institution. I was discussing with a medical doctor friend recently and he said something that i can’t help but agree with, he said about 75% of Nigerian men doesn’t know how to sexually satisfy their wives, but they thought they knew. A lot of house wives are becoming lesbians and sex toys are becoming more popular in Nigeria than some western countries, are you still saying we are very African? Your highly spiritual wife usually takes good care of herself with her dildo whenever you are not at home sir. Do you know cheating used to be a man thing, but the women are gradually catching up with men now.

Is there any measure in place for a sexually frustrated man or woman? how many sex therapist do you know in Nigeria, the few of us that came out to professionally talk about these things are being termed sinners. What about grief and bereavement counselors, do you know any around you, who counseled the bereaved in our society? Is professional counsel readily available for those that are waiting for death? What of the elderly, we think they don’t have needs and don’t feel like sharing their thoughts? What about those that lost their loved ones, mothers that just put to bed nko? The list is endless….

That brings me to the aim of this article, depression. I read about the young medical doctor that committed suicide yesterday and was troubled in my mind. We can’t just go on like this, it is high time we cultivate the habit of talking to professional counselors and therapist around us. Like i said earlier, most of the issues people are battling with are relationship related, wicked bosses, unfriendly financial institutions, bad relationships, frustrating sex life, marriages from hell etc. Parental advice could be helpful but you will need more than that to achieve a peaceful closure in this present age.

In fact, your pastor is not a financial consultant, he’s not a clinical marriage counselor neither is he a sex therapist, stop expecting too much from him and allow him to concentrate on taking care of your spiritual needs. Even, the pastor needs help, but most are afraid to come out to seek for help because the society has tagged them infallible.

You go to the hospital when your body is sick, you run to the church when your soul is weak, where do you run to when your mind is troubled?

Dr. Tolulope Oko-Igaire (Hons.) is a Clinical Relationship & Marriage Counselor, Sex Therapist and Professional Matchmaker. She’s the Provost of The Institute of Counseling in Nigeria (www.instituteofcounselingng.org) and the host of the popular TV, Radio and online Talk Show; Intimate Talk With Tolu.
www.intimatesolutionnetwork.com

LOOK…..LEAP…..SHINE YOUR EYES: LEARN FROM MY STORY

Leave a Comment / Articles / By intimatesolution

I ran inside to see if my makeover was perfect. Of course it was but I had to put one more layer of my brown powder just to be sure. Excitement was running through every nook and cranny of my vein. I stood for a while in front of the mirror to make sure my excitement and anxiety hadn’t allowed me make mistakes in applying my makeup. I was about to apply more shimmer on my lips when I heard a sudden blare from a car’s horn just outside my hostel. My heart raced twice as fast as I realized who it was. I had been looking forward for a long time to that day and I didn’t want anything to mess it up. I didn’t want something ephemeral, so I filled in every possible loop hole and no sooner did I decide I was good to go than I took my purse and left the room.

I met Daniel on Instagram and somehow we got very close such that we couldn’t do without each other every day. As time went on we decided to start dating online, because he was out of the country and we couldn’t wait to take our initial friendship to another level. So like that it started. He sent me a lot of things from Canada and he made me feel like I was the queen of the earth especially the queen of his heart. He was the perfect guy for me, he had no flaw or so I said and he was the best thing that happened me. It got me thinking, if he could have been like that even when he was away, what was he going to be like when I can finally hold him. I mean, when we are finally in each other’s arms. This was the major thing that got me more excited about the whole online relationship thingy. It was like having a whole package, wrapped up in such a way that from the view of the parcel you can be almost sure what is inside would be incredible. I had seen him in pictures yes, but believe me the picture was only a silhouette to what he really looked like.

As I got to the corridor to my room and I was able to view his car, my heart raced on a speedy count. Once he sighted me, he got down from his car and opened the door for me, believe me I was very flattered. I got into the car and so did he. OMG!, he was really cute. He took me out to dinner as he promised and it turned out to be the most romantic moment of my life. After dinner he asked me if I wanted to follow him to his house. Meanwhile, I was dying to be in his arms, I was anxious to experience what it would be like if I was with him over the night. It wasn’t a big deal to pass the night at his place though, because he was my boy friend, so I thought.

When we got to his apartment, it was past midnight. The house and the design it carried justified Daniel to be an epicurean. It also had a great view and it was like the more I was in the house, the more luxury was sinking into my skin. I couldn’t wait to tell my friends about him already, because they didn’t have as much as a clue about my relationship and I preferred to make it stay that way until I was sure he was real. We had a bubble bath and we went to bed. I believe you can imagine what happened that night. Of course yes we had crazy sex. I went from loving him to being obsessed. I stayed with him for a few more days and he proposed to me. He said he was going to marry me in the next two months to that time. Isn’t it poetic or what do you think?

After one week, I went back to my hostel and my friends were bent on knowing where I had been. I told them it was my little secret and I wasn’t letting them in on it. So I still kept it secret. On and on like that it went. We had sex like every other day, and I wasn’t complaining because we were going to get married. He promised to take me to his parents very soon so we could make it formal. I was excited; people noticed something about me had changed. I was practically glowing with pride.

LadyBaloons-2

One fateful afternoon…..I was reading on my bed in my hostel when Anita (my roommate) came to me and sat beside me. She asked me calmly what had been going on in my life and why I was keeping so quiet about it. So I decided to confide in her. I told her everything about him, but when I got to the part where I mentioned his name, she jolted up and stared wide eyed. “What!” she almost screamed “Sarah, which Daniel Akingbade are you talking about?” the expression on my face changed, I was confused plus surprised that she knew him. “Abegi, let me see his picture”. I fumbled with my phone more because I was scared about what was about to come than I was about the eagerness to show his picture. I went to my photo gallery and fished out his picture. “here, please don’t tell me you know him” I knew it’s going to be bad luck for me if she knew him, so I prayed silently that she didn’t have as much as a clue. She took the phone from me and started laughing her ass out. “Anita be serious jor”. She paused, looked at me and burst out into another series of laughter. “Ok, ok… let me be serious.”

She looked at the phone again as if to be sure about who was in the picture. Then she said “ahn ahn, he’s the one now.” She looked at me, pressed her lips together and asked again “Sarah, are you sure he said he was going to marry you next month? “Anita please stop this and tell me what is wrong” I said curiously. “Sarah this man I’m starring at right now is married with a kid, he got married three years back to my aunt, although I’ve never met him before, because he and my aunt are abroad, but I see his pictures a lot”. My hand started shaking; it was as if I didn’t hear her right. I fought back tears and told myself I was strong enough for it. I was choked up with mixed feelings. I didn’t know even how to cry. I was being used and believe me it was a big deal. Starting from the thoughts of how he caresses me with sweet words to how he got me laid. It was crazy, it was embarrassing and at the same time tear-full. I was angry as revenge took over my mind. There was no way he was going to go Scot free with it. I decided!!!

I had no idea what to do, I didn’t know whether to confront him, or just let him go. But really, do you think there’s anything you can do to guys like that?, do they always have to go away with something like this, it’s like in the world we are today, they actually do get away with it. The girl becomes the victim and then stays on a low key till karma takes its place in the situation. I didn’t want to wait for karma, I wanted to literally kill him or if there was anything worse than that I’d gladly do it.

After a lot of tears and consolation from my friends, I pulled myself together and was even able to see him the next day. Our meeting was very brief as I didn’t discuss anything with him or make him suspect anything. All through the previous night I was thinking about a way of getting back at him for everything he had done. And I figured it out easily.
I was known to be a very crazy girl and I could do the impossible. So, that fateful afternoon I was in his house, playing with him as though I was perfectly cool with him. But my mission was the otherwise of my attitude. I was there to teach him an incredible lesson, a lesson he’ll forever live to remember.

I played with him for a long time and as he told me he wanted to get something outside I knew that was my opportunity. Once he was out of the house, I reached into his bedside drawer and got hold of his token and replaced it with an identical one, I immediately slipped it in my hand bag and quickly adjusted myself on his bed like nothing had happened. Another minute ran by before he came in, he smiled at me and asked if I didn’t miss him too much and I smiled sweetly back at him and told him I had missed him. I know this is weird, but I had sex with him for the last time that day, and I intentionally satisfied myself to the maximum height.
It was time to go and he dropped me off in my hostel.

Here comes the happiest day of my life people. The next day, I took the token to one of my friend that is an expert in computer hacking. He didn’t take him very long to decipher his password and was able to wipe out his account, transferred every dime in it to a new account I opened for that purpose, using a different name and in a different bank everything I transferred summed up to 17million Naira, I know, chicken change right? But believe me it wasn’t a chicken change when Daniel was begging the whole world for money to return to Canada. All traces were perfectly cleared and the token was destroyed almost immediately. I gave my friend his share, and I went back to my hostel dancing with joy in my heart.
Believe me, Daniel was stranded, I jilted him immediately using his brokenness as my leverage, telling him I can’t walk him with anymore. It was really sweet to see him that way, and you might not believe this but I was proud of myself. Nobody knew about this, even Anita.
So that’s my little gist for you.

Seriously though, I did learn my lesson to look and leap. No matter how interesting this may sound, I didn’t leave that relationship unscarred. In the deep corners of my mind, I felt used and humiliated. I had sacrificed almost everything I had to this relationship. A man I completely trusted and believed loved me deeply. I was ready to marry this man, basing all my life on the emotions I felt. This is my story, it might come across as a positive ending for some, but we aren’t all that lucky.

Take your time to know that individual, before committing your whole life into it. It’s totally worth the wait.

ANJOLA JUMOKE

LOVE STARTS WITH ME

Leave a Comment / Articles / By intimatesolution

I used to believe that the 20s was the best time in life to snag a mate.
From my perspective as a 13-year-old girl, the 20s seemed like the prime years of life, a time for independence, freedom, and for falling in love. I’m imagined I’d be young and fresh, exciting and energetic, inspired and in love…what a perfect time for a romance. Finding love would be easy, in your 20s.

I don’t know that I believe that, anymore. Now that I’m married and also passed my 20’s- I look back at some of those earlier years and realize how little I actually knew. There was a world of experiences and lessons yet to be had in the decade that followed. There’s so much that I know now, that I didn’t know back then, that I had to learn along the way.
If my teen years taught me how to be “self-centered”, my 20s taught me that I really had very little grasp of my “true self”. I had no idea who I was or where I was going- even when I thought I had a clue. If I could write a relationship manual to my 20-year old self, here’s what it would say:

1. Date…Yourself: The 20s really are an incredible time in life. As your independence develops, the world opens up in ways it never could have before. But more than anything, your 20s is actually a time of transformation. You are changing, growing, maturing, and evolving more rapidly than you could even imagine. Your personality is just starting to take shape, and the seeds of interests, passions, talents that were planted in your teen years are only now starting to grow.
While it may be so tempting to search for love, don’t do it without first taking the time to date yourself. Before I get into relationship advice, let me start by introducing the concept of Dating Inward. In other words, get to know yourself. Know who you are, what you need, and where you’re going. Get a good grasp of the story you’re creating for yourself, because only then will you be able to recognize the kind of person who fits into your story.

2. Don’t Fixate on Being Single: I’m sad I wasted so many years focused on “being single” because looking back, my 20s was a time filled with relationships and life. I was surrounded by amazing friends in college, mentors and professors who invested in me, an incredible community, and relatives who supported me. God had surrounded me with a community of rich and life-giving people that I often-times missed out on because I was so caught up with the fact that Bose on the next street just got engaged, and chinenye was planning her wedding, and Jane just got flowers from her boyfriend. I wasted too many opportunities to connect with significant people in my life, because I was focused on finding a “significant other”…..

single

3. Don’t Act Desperate, Because You’re Not: If age was actually an indicator of being “desperate”…your 20’s definitely doesn’t make the cut. Why is it then, that there are so many 20-year-olds feeling like they need to catch the marriage boat before the clock strikes midnight and they turn the dreaded 3-0? So much compromise, settling, and life-altering mistakes happen in a person’s 20s because they would rather be with someone than deal with the fear of being alone. So many people are left with the biggest regrets of their life, things they wish they would have resisted in their 20s.

Sadly, we’re all part of the problem. We’ve created a culture that puts pressure on men and women to get married at a certain time, a certain age, in a certain way. But at the end of the day, finding the right marriage has little to do with our timing- or anyone else’s for that matter- and everything to do with God’s timing. Remember the only way to avoid looking desperate is to stop believing that you are, because a person will appear as desperate as they feel. Block out all the voices, the expectations, and the fears- and keep your eyes fixed on what is in front and within you. Look at all that the many blessings that surrounds you and then relax, let go, and trust God for the rest. Greater things are yet to come.

4. Don’t Wait to Live Your Life: Stop waiting, and start living. That should be the motto every 20-year-old hangs on their wall. The 20’s are filled with so much “waiting”: waiting for the right school, the right job, the right opportunity, the right spouse, the right income….waiting for that house, that car, that insurance plan. Waiting for love, for marriage, for family etc. Whatever it is you are waiting for, stop waiting and start living.
So much of our life is wasted in waiting, when God is calling us to enjoy the life He’s given us right here and right now. We don’t need another thing to happen in order for us to live our lives, we just need more of what we have already that brings us Joy. We were made to rejoice in life, Right here, and right now. -DEBRA FILETA

RELATIONSHIP CHECKLIST

Leave a Comment / Articles / By intimatesolution

The whole essence of our relationships is to find someone that can complement us, make us better and above all walk with us to a mutual destination. This week we have come up with 70 questions you need to ask yourself before saying yes to that person and if you have, it’s time to start keeping tabs on these little things. 70? Yes, 70! It will be divided into two editions, so you can’t afford to miss the next edition.

Few weeks ago I spoke to a lady who wanted to know if the current dude she was dating is the right person. The question sounded so vague and I had to pause for a few moments before responding to her. My response wasn’t an answer like she would have desired but a series of unending questions.

Similarly, there are lots of folks who have this same question on their minds; so I decided to list a few (maybe not few) questions you should ask yourself when in doubt about that relationship you’re in. There are really no right or wrong answers to these questions but then you’ll know certainly if you are in the right relationship or not after genuinely answering these questions.

1. Has your partner discovered his/her purpose; what is your partner passionate about? No, I’m not asking if he has a job!

2. Is your partner encouraging and supportive of what you want in life?

3. Does your partner have a mentor; an authority figure who (s) he’s submitted to?

4. Does she respect you?

5. Do you feel safe around him?

6. Are you being your authentic self around your partner?

7. Can I express myself freely when difficult situations come up?

8. Is he genuinely happy for me when good things happen to me?

9. Has he ever raised his hand and threatened me?

10. Does (s)he respect her parents and older siblings?

11. What was your first impression about your partner?

12. What did you like or love about your partner?

13. Do you still like what you loved about your partner and why?

14. Are you happy with the intimacy you share?

15. Are you in the relationship because you’re desperate to get married?

16. Do you feel the same the way you felt for your partner at the beginning of the relationship?

17. Are you positively affecting each other’s life?

18. Are you having fun with your partner?

19. Do I like who I am when I’m with and without him?

20. Do I feel uplifted or drained when we’re together?

21. Can I live with his quirky behaviors and traits?

22. Do I like him the way he is if he never changes?

23. Do you share similar core values with your partner?

24. Do you share similar religious views?

25. Do you respect each other’s beliefs?

26. What new things have you gotten involved in because of your partner’s influence?

27. Ladies; does he make you cry too often that you probably don’t remember times you laughed together

28. Do you like spending time with your partner’s friends and family?

29. Do my family and friends like my partner?

30. Do I like my partner’s family and friends?

TO BE CONTINUED- By Motolani Olanipekun