right person

LOVE STARTS WITH ME

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I used to believe that the 20s was the best time in life to snag a mate.
From my perspective as a 13-year-old girl, the 20s seemed like the prime years of life, a time for independence, freedom, and for falling in love. I’m imagined I’d be young and fresh, exciting and energetic, inspired and in love…what a perfect time for a romance. Finding love would be easy, in your 20s.

I don’t know that I believe that, anymore. Now that I’m married and also passed my 20’s- I look back at some of those earlier years and realize how little I actually knew. There was a world of experiences and lessons yet to be had in the decade that followed. There’s so much that I know now, that I didn’t know back then, that I had to learn along the way.
If my teen years taught me how to be “self-centered”, my 20s taught me that I really had very little grasp of my “true self”. I had no idea who I was or where I was going- even when I thought I had a clue. If I could write a relationship manual to my 20-year old self, here’s what it would say:

1. Date…Yourself: The 20s really are an incredible time in life. As your independence develops, the world opens up in ways it never could have before. But more than anything, your 20s is actually a time of transformation. You are changing, growing, maturing, and evolving more rapidly than you could even imagine. Your personality is just starting to take shape, and the seeds of interests, passions, talents that were planted in your teen years are only now starting to grow.
While it may be so tempting to search for love, don’t do it without first taking the time to date yourself. Before I get into relationship advice, let me start by introducing the concept of Dating Inward. In other words, get to know yourself. Know who you are, what you need, and where you’re going. Get a good grasp of the story you’re creating for yourself, because only then will you be able to recognize the kind of person who fits into your story.

2. Don’t Fixate on Being Single: I’m sad I wasted so many years focused on “being single” because looking back, my 20s was a time filled with relationships and life. I was surrounded by amazing friends in college, mentors and professors who invested in me, an incredible community, and relatives who supported me. God had surrounded me with a community of rich and life-giving people that I often-times missed out on because I was so caught up with the fact that Bose on the next street just got engaged, and chinenye was planning her wedding, and Jane  just got flowers from her boyfriend. I wasted too many opportunities to connect with significant people in my life, because I was focused on finding a “significant other”…..

single

3. Don’t Act Desperate, Because You’re Not: If age was actually an indicator of being “desperate”…your 20’s definitely doesn’t make the cut. Why is it then, that there are so many 20-year-olds feeling like they need to catch the marriage boat before the clock strikes midnight and they turn the dreaded 3-0? So much compromise, settling, and life-altering mistakes happen in a person’s 20s because they would rather be with someone than deal with the fear of being alone. So many people are left with the biggest regrets of their life, things they wish they would have resisted in their 20s.

Sadly, we’re all part of the problem. We’ve created a culture that puts pressure on men and women to get married at a certain time, a certain age, in a certain way. But at the end of the day, finding the right marriage has little to do with our timing- or anyone else’s for that matter- and everything to do with God’s timing. Remember the only way to avoid looking desperate is to stop believing that you are, because a person will appear as desperate as they feel. Block out all the voices, the expectations, and the fears- and keep your eyes fixed on what is in front and within you. Look at all that the many blessings that surrounds you and then relax, let go, and trust God for the rest. Greater things are yet to come.

4. Don’t Wait to Live Your Life: Stop waiting, and start living. That should be the motto every 20-year-old hangs on their wall. The 20’s are filled with so much “waiting”: waiting for the right school, the right job, the right opportunity, the right spouse, the right income….waiting for that house, that car, that insurance plan. Waiting for love, for marriage, for family etc. Whatever it is you are waiting for, stop waiting and start living.
So much of our life is wasted in waiting, when God is calling us to enjoy the life He’s given us right here and right now. We don’t need another thing to happen in order for us to live our lives, we just need more of what we have already that brings us Joy. We were made to rejoice in life, Right here, and right now. -DEBRA FILETA

RELATIONSHIP CHECKLIST

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The whole essence of our relationships is to find someone that can complement us, make us better and above all walk with us to a mutual destination. This week we have come up with 70 questions you need to ask yourself before saying yes to that person and if you have, it’s time to start keeping tabs on these little things. 70? Yes, 70! It will be divided into two editions, so you can’t afford to miss the next edition.

Few weeks ago I spoke to a lady who wanted to know if the current dude she was dating is the right person. The question sounded so vague and I had to pause for a few moments before responding to her. My response wasn’t an answer like she would have desired but a series of unending questions.

Similarly, there are lots of folks who have this same question on their minds; so I decided to list a few (maybe not few) questions you should ask yourself when in doubt about that relationship you’re in. There are really no right or wrong answers to these questions but then you’ll know certainly if you are in the right relationship or not after genuinely answering these questions.

1.    Has your partner discovered his/her purpose; what is your partner passionate about? No, I’m not asking if he has a job!

2.    Is your partner encouraging and supportive of what you want in life?

3.    Does your partner have a mentor; an authority figure who (s) he’s submitted to?

4.    Does she respect you?

5.    Do you feel safe around him?

6.    Are you being your authentic self around your partner?

7.    Can I express myself freely when difficult situations come up?

8.    Is he genuinely happy for me when good things happen to me?

9.    Has he ever raised his hand and threatened me?

10.    Does (s)he respect her parents and older siblings?

11.    What was your first impression about your partner?

12.    What did you like or love about your partner?

13.    Do you still like what you loved about your partner and why?

14.    Are you happy with the intimacy you share?

15.    Are you in the relationship because you’re desperate to get married?

16.    Do you feel the same the way you felt for your partner at the beginning of the relationship?

17.    Are you positively affecting each other’s life?

18.    Are you having fun with your partner?

19.    Do I like who I am when I’m with and without him?

20.    Do I feel uplifted or drained when we’re together?

21.    Can I live with his quirky behaviors and traits?

22.    Do I like him the way he is if he never changes?

23.    Do you share similar core values with your partner?

24.    Do you share similar religious views?

25.    Do you respect each other’s beliefs?

26.    What new things have you gotten involved in because of your partner’s influence?

27.    Ladies; does he make you cry too often that you probably don’t remember times you laughed together

28.    Do you like spending time with your partner’s friends and family?

29.    Do my family and friends like my partner?

30.    Do I like my partner’s family and friends?

TO BE CONTINUED- By Motolani Olanipekun

The 10 Commandments of Online Dating

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Finding the right romantic partner often seems like looking for piece of hay in a large stack of needles: a painful process with somewhat disappointing rewards. Online dating eliminates the need to get dressed up, musked up and out there – but that doesn’t mean there isn’t etiquette to follow. Just like in the real world you’ll need to come across as charming, polite and desirable, and just like in the real world a little bit of knowledge can make the process a whole lot easier. So today we’ll show you ten fundamentals every online dater should take as gospel.

1. Thou Shalt Stand Out From The Crowd

A catchy title and some more unusual interests can go a long way. Spend a few minutes coming up with a decent profile that shows you as witty and unique instead of joining the legions who give as their only interests ‘TV, music and film’. Surely you can’t be that boring? Be careful though, being too alternative may come across as weird and limit your pool of potential partners.

Mr. Right: ‘When I’m not flying my helicopter or giving guided tours of the Vatican, I like to go off-piste skiing – but I always try to make time for my charity work in Patagonia.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘I like watching TV. I also like lifting up rocks to look at the insects underneath.’

2. Thou Shalt Not Display Thy Baggage
A lot of online daters have baggage from their past – this may be anything from kids to a psycho-ex who stalks them, or perhaps even a full sex change. Don’t put off potential suitors by placing this baggage in full view of everyone: give people a chance to get to know you before you let them decide whether the fact you only have four toes on one foot is an obstacle to love.

Mr. Right: ‘I’m open minded middle-age man hoping to meet someone similar.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘Please ignore my ex who will leave road kill on your doorstep and vandalise your car if you date me. By the way I have a glass eye.’

3. Thou Shalt Post A Photo That Honours Thy True Appearance.
We all do it: posing for photos and then selecting the ones that show us in our best light – and there’s nothing wrong with it. However, if you’re photoshopping your image before posting it or even using an image of someone else, you’ve definitely crossed the line.

Mr. Right: ‘I think I look pretty good in this one.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘Brad Pitt from a weird angle – she’ll never know.’

4. Thou Shalt Be Fully Proactive
There are plenty of potential partners out there waiting for you, but just like in real life competition is stiff. To maximise you chances target as many people as possible and try not to get hung-up on that one girl who used to be a playboy bunny – every other man on the site will have messaged her too. By the same token (and this applies mainly to women) always respond to interest, even if you don’t like him – it’s only polite.

Mr. Right: ‘I love you. And you. And you. And you…’

Mr. Wrong: ‘If you won’t marry me in the next ten minutes, I’m going to end it all.’

5. Thou Shalt Always Be Realistic
Messaging a glamour model whose interests include opera and fine dining and last whose boyfriend was the heir to the crown of Luxembourg? By all means give it a shot, but remember the aim of online dating is to set up a real face-to-face date – and if she doesn’t like your face when you turn up, you’ll be in for an embarrassing brush off. Normal rules of dating apply: go for those who are realistic and whom you feel you’ll genuinely click with.

Mr. Right: ‘I don’t have a private plane or a yacht, but if love was worth money I’d be a millionaire.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘Usually I date ugly girls but I thought I’d move up a level.’
6. Thou Shalt Not Be Blatant

If we’re honest, sexual satisfaction is right up there in terms of why people want to get married, yet just like in the real world, nothing gives a worse impression than admitting this situation, whether directly or indirectly: at best you’ll appear desperate, at worse a twisted sexual maniac. So be casual. Try to covertly steer conversation towards the more risque end of the spectrum, but never be obvious about it. Just because you’d be delighted if a stranger on a bus asked you about your deepest fantasies, not everyone else would.

Mr. Right: ‘I really like curling up with a good book and a hot water bottle, it’s even better when there’s a beautiful girl lying next to you…’

Mr. Wrong: ‘No sexual act is too foul or depraved for me. I’ll do literally anything’.
7. Thou Shalt Be Honest At All Times
This goes hand-in-hand with being realistic. By all means make the most of what you’ve got, jazz yourself up and inject a bit of spice into your CV – but don’t outright lie. Hopefully you’ll be meeting them in the not too distant future so claiming to be a 6′ 3″ bodybuilder, with a pilot’s licence and a wardrobe full of designer clothes will definitely backfire if you’re not a 6’ 3″ bodybuilder with a…

Mr. Right: ‘I’ve been told I have rugged good looks, but if I’m honest I’m looking for someone I can connect with emotionally as well as physically.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘I’m definitely not just looking for sex… what cup size did you say you were?’

8. Thou Shalt Be Witty And Concise

Avoid writing a novel when messaging a potential partner. Keep you messages short and sweet – this will encourage you to make the most of the words you do communicate, hopefully making you appear deeper and more witty. This also has the added benefit of giving you a certain mystique: as you should know, a large part of attraction is what is unsaid, so be suggestive and leave them hanging on.

Mr. Right: ‘I’m leaving for Paris early tomorrow so I’ll say goodnight. Wish you were here to tuck me in…’

Mr. Wrong: ‘…and then I went to the shop and said to the woman, do you have these in a size 10, and she said to me no, so I said why not, and she said to me she didn’t know, so I said do you have these in a size 11….’

9. Thou Shalt Always Stay Safe

It almost goes without saying, never arrange to meet anyone you don’t fully trust. If this means taking it slow and getting to know each other through email and phone conversations, than so be it. Your safety is of paramount concern, unless of course you want an episode of CSI to be based on your sorry little story.

Mr. Right: ‘I’m fine going at whatever speed your comfortable with.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘Meet me at the deserted warehouse at midnight.’

10. Thou Shalt Always Remember That The Online Dating World Is Only An Extension Of The Real World – Not Some Magical Kingdom Of Dreams
As long as you remember that online dating won’t necessarily introduce you to the man/woman of your dreams and that even if it did, you might not live happily ever after and even if you do, you’ll always have to live with the fact you met on the internet… than you’ll have a great time.

Mr. Right: ‘Behind the profile is a real man who feels and cares.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘With the click of a button we’ll all live happily ever after.’
** This article was written by Tom Davie, a student at Cambridge University.

LADIES, CHECK OUT THESE 14 REASONS WHY YOU MIGHT BE UNNECESSARILY SINGLE

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Tongues has started wailing, people are already looking at you whenever you are passing, your parents are on your case and it look as if singleness is now sickness. You don’t seems to be happy anymore and it’s as if every other good thing in your life does not count, all you need to be fulfilled is settle down and get a man. You look at yourself in the mirror and spot a small fine line under your eyes, “now I’m having wrinkles” you said to yourself, it’s as if your world has stopped moving all because you want to change your status from single to married, no thanks to the society we live in. You don’t even care at this point, any man will do for you, you just want to be address with the prefix MRS and that’s all that matters.
And for the male folks, probably you get worried when your friends children call you uncle or whenever your parents called and ask when you are going to give them a grandchild. Maybe, people in your vicinity has started asking questions about your sexuality and you are not comfortable with being single.
As a professional counselor and matchmaker, even though i might not be able to understand your feelings, I can relate with what you are going through, and experience has thought me that most time, you are the reason why you are still single, maybe, just maybe there are things you are not doing right, check out these few points, I think it might help you find your feet.

1. Unreasonable expectations:
It baffles me when I listen to the quality some ladies needed in their man, he must be tall, dark, handsome, God fairing, caring, loving, lanky, straight fingers, clean, bla bla…. It’s good to desire good things, but while desiring all these qualities, it is paramount to understand that nobody is perfect. When people walk in to my office for matchmaking and they started listing some unreasonable expectations, I make them realize that, they should consider the fact that they are not perfect before searching for a perfect spouse.
The men these days are not helping matters either, you want a rich girl that can provide for you while you fold your arms, that is trying tot change the natural cause of things and in fact any marriage built on that will not last. She must be tall, fair, straight legs, big boobs, big ass etc, stuffs like these are good but shouldn’t be the foundation on which your marriage will be built.
When you set expectations that are outrageous for yourself, getting the right person to meet such expectations become an issue. So if you feel you should have been married but you are still single against your wish, maybe you need to review your expectations and understand that just the way it is in economics, when it comes to choosing a life partner, there should be scale of preference, you must have your opportunity cost and alternative forgone.

2. Overrating you:
I am so beautiful, I can have any man of my choice, if it doesn’t work out with this one, another guy will always come…. These are reasons why so many gets to the black market before realizing it was too late, you need to understand the Yoruba adage that says “ile obinrin kinpesu”, meaning that it’s advisable for young ladies to make hay while the sun shine.
Some men also feel they are the all in all, after all I’m so handsome, i have a good job, and i can get any lady i want, this can keep unnecessarily single than usual
Do not overrate yourself and loose a good man; a mistake that that is keeping so many ladies in their parents’ home.

3. Spiritual confusion:
I didn’t love him, but God says I should marry him. I remember counseling a 40 years old successful career woman, she actually came to my office to register for matchmaking, her excuse for getting married late was that, God chose for her a man he felt nothing for and told her not to marry the man she cared about. I told her, this is not possible because God is not an author of confusion. When it come to the issue of whom to marry, apart from the leading of the Holy Spirit, you are totally responsible for your action. This is not the time of Adam and Eve when Adam complained to God that he was misled by the woman He gave to him, today you can’t shift blame on God or anyone, you will face the consequences of your action, that is why the word of God says he that finds a wife finds a good thing, you must do the finding with the help of Holy Spirit to obtain the favor that follows. Do not get caught up in the web of spiritual confusion, if not you will be 40 before you realize what is going on. It is good to seek the face of God and the leading of the Holy Spirit, but running from pillar to post in the name of spiritual guidance will tie you down unnecessarily.

I WILL BE GLAD TO READ YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS, WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE SINGLE AGAINST THEIR WISH? …….YOU CAN GET THE COMPLETE DVD OF THIS ARTICLE AT: http://intimatesolutionnetwork.com/new/?post_type=product